Tesco to buy Fukushima

British retail giant Tesco has announced plans to buy the crippled nuclear plant in Fukushima, Japan.

Rumours began circulating after an internal memo was leaked from the Ministry of Economy Trade & Industry (METI) in Japan. Apparently, a typographical error misspelt Tepco, the plant owner, as Tesco. The memo has been blamed on a young OL (office lady) because male managers never admit to their mistakes and always blame subordinates. The girl, who hasn't been named for enigmatic reasons, was said to be typing with one hand because her other hand was annoyingly spinning a pen between frequent checks of LINE messages on her Mickey Mouse-covered iPhone.

A middle-aged male manager who wishes to remain anonymous for no apparent reason, said: "She had just received a LINE message with a new and amazing sticker that she'd never seen before, she was so overcome with emotion and squeals of "kawaii" that she typed the letter s instead of the letter p. I can't understand how she can be so stupid because those letters are on opposite sides of the keyboard! Anyway, I ordered her to calm down and send me that cute sticker on LINE."

Due to the commotion in the office over the cute LINE sticker, no one noticed the mistake and the memo was passed through a protracted chain of yes-men, who never question anything for fear of being bullied and ostracised by their colleagues. Finally, the memo became an official document and was rubber stamped by various pointless managers and departments that squander taxes on such things as hostess bars and 1000-kilometre taxi journeys. After a busy weekend of golf and kyabakura, senior government officials summoned Tesco management to an official bollocking over media reports the world as we know it is ending because they can't plug a fucking leak or cool a reactor.

Again, due to an unwillingness to question authority and a profound lack of common sense, three hundred and thirty two civil servants didn't speak out when duty manager, Mohamed Jafra of the North Finchley Tesco superstore turned up two days late for the meeting. Further suspicion was not voiced when he failed to speak Japanese and relied solely on Google Translate on his iPhone, though one official felt something was awry because his iPhone didn't have a cute cover or trinkets.

After a long meeting in which Mr Jafra needed to charge his iPhone several times, check Facebook and various other social media apps, the deal was done and the Fukushima nuclear power plant was signed over to the supermarket giant, Tesco. Tepco was so relieved that the buck had finally been passed to unsuspecting Tesco that they claimed such a deal had always been in the pipeline, especially as they had no idea how to fix the problem anyway, citing the policy of "the three monkeys".

Due to the time difference and incredulity of the situation, there was no immediate statement from Tesco head office but after it was pointed out that the world's second largest retailer's only failure had been in Japan due to its national socialist economic policies and that some Japanese government ministers idolised the Nazis, some of Tesco's Jewish managers and serving family members of Tesco founder Jack Cohen realised an opportunity.

A Tesco spokesperson smugly said: "With our diverse portfolio and seemingly unlimited resources, we believe we are in a superior position to completely turn around the failing Fukushima nuclear plant. We have learnt from our recent mistakes in food labelling, especially the horseshit, err, horsemeat crisis and we have already done a deal with local farmers to supply our new range of Tesco Finest Kids Organic Lunchboxes, and the farmers didn't even need bullying."