British retail giant Tesco has announced plans to buy the crippled nuclear plant in Fukushima, Japan.
Rumours began circulating after an internal memo was leaked from the Ministry of Economy Trade & Industry (METI) in Japan. Apparently, a typographical error misspelt Tepco, the plant owner, as Tesco. The memo has been blamed on a young OL (office lady) because male managers never admit to their mistakes and always blame subordinates. The girl, who hasn't been named for enigmatic reasons, was said to be typing with one hand because her other hand was annoyingly spinning a pen between frequent checks of LINE messages on her Mickey Mouse-covered iPhone.
A middle-aged male manager who wishes to remain anonymous for no apparent reason, said: "She had just received a LINE message with a new and amazing sticker that she'd never seen before, she was so overcome with emotion and squeals of "kawaii" that she typed the letter s instead of the letter p. I can't understand how she can be so stupid because those letters are on opposite sides of the keyboard! Anyway, I ordered her to calm down and send me that cute sticker on LINE."
Due to the commotion in the office over the cute LINE sticker, no one noticed the mistake and the memo was passed through a protracted chain of yes-men, who never question anything for fear of being bullied and ostracised by their colleagues. Finally, the memo became an official document and was rubber stamped by various pointless managers and departments that squander taxes on such things as hostess bars and 1000-kilometre taxi journeys. After a busy weekend of golf and kyabakura, senior government officials summoned Tesco management to an official bollocking over media reports the world as we know it is ending because they can't plug a fucking leak or cool a reactor.
Again, due to an unwillingness to question authority and a profound lack of common sense, three hundred and thirty two civil servants didn't speak out when duty manager, Mohamed Jafra of the North Finchley Tesco superstore turned up two days late for the meeting. Further suspicion was not voiced when he failed to speak Japanese and relied solely on Google Translate on his iPhone, though one official felt something was awry because his iPhone didn't have a cute cover or trinkets.
After a long meeting in which Mr Jafra needed to charge his iPhone several times, check Facebook and various other social media apps, the deal was done and the Fukushima nuclear power plant was signed over to the supermarket giant, Tesco. Tepco was so relieved that the buck had finally been passed to unsuspecting Tesco that they claimed such a deal had always been in the pipeline, especially as they had no idea how to fix the problem anyway, citing the policy of "the three monkeys".
Due to the time difference and incredulity of the situation, there was no immediate statement from Tesco head office but after it was pointed out that the world's second largest retailer's only failure had been in Japan due to its national socialist economic policies and that some Japanese government ministers idolised the Nazis, some of Tesco's Jewish managers and serving family members of Tesco founder Jack Cohen realised an opportunity.
A Tesco spokesperson smugly said: "With our diverse portfolio and seemingly unlimited resources, we believe we are in a superior position to completely turn around the failing Fukushima nuclear plant. We have learnt from our recent mistakes in food labelling, especially the horseshit, err, horsemeat crisis and we have already done a deal with local farmers to supply our new range of Tesco Finest Kids Organic Lunchboxes, and the farmers didn't even need bullying."
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Thursday, 8 August 2013
Fukushima no accident
From Roy Tars in Tokyo.
The crippled nuclear power plant in Fukushima, Japan has been spewing out lethal radiation since the region was hit by a massive earthquake and Tsunami in March 2011. Plant operator TEPCO has announced an emergency and is clueless as to what to do. While TEPCO management hide in 24-hour Karaoke boxes, singing poor-quality pop songs and watch vaguely paedophiliac videos of talentless scantily-clad schoolgirls with prosthetic canine teeth. One TEPCO insider, who can't be named for stupid reasons, said "The problem with Fukushima Daiichi was Heavy Rotation." He went on to say "If only they'd listened to AKB48, then none of this would have happened."
Another TEPCO insider who was more than willing to be named as Yuka Oshima said "Staff moral has been given a real boost since management started allowing us to wear schoolgirl uniforms to the office." I asked him what the OLs wore and he said he'd never heard of women working at TEPCO because the work was far too dangerous, even in an office in the middle of Tokyo, hundreds of kilometres from the nuclear plant.
TEPCO has been mildly criticised for its incompetent mishandling of the crisis by Japanese media, though not too much for fear of seeming unpatriotic. Suggestions of contaminated food, especially fish, have been viewed with deep suspicion and thought to be anti-Japanese propaganda originating in China and Korea, and any other victims of Japanese colonialism that have never received an adequate apology. As one rightwing newspaper put it: "If they don't want to eat our contaminated fish, that's great, there's more for us!"
The Japanese government has been equally critical in its mild-mannered bollocking which suggests it is merely paying lip service to the outside world, which doesn't really matter anyway because they're not Japanese. Prime Minister Abe called on TEPCO to fix the situation, well at least while the foreign media was watching, after they'd gone he praised TEPCO for its hard work in protecting the Japanese archipelago with a defensive layer of radiation like in that weird manga he read as a kid, and most of his cabinet members still read during parliamentary debates.
At a political stunt in Fukushima where Mr Abe appeared to eat local produce, the big question was did he spit or swallow? After stuffing one of his faces with a mouthful of local nosh, much to the amusement of local farmers who are desperately trying to offload it onto cheap catering companies that supply kindergartens and elementary schools, Mr Abe appeared to turn around and cough into a Hello Kitty Fukushima souvenir mini-towel. However, one source said the food in question had actually been substituted with safer food from down south, so there was never any risk to our beloved Abe, hero of the Land of the Rising Sun.
Tokyo governor, Shintaro Ishihara, who is an ardent pro-nuclear advocate, said he praised Mr Abe's new defence policy of irradiating Japan to deter its enemies and was disappointed that his Japan Restoration Party hadn't thought of it, saying: "That fuckwit Hashimoto came out with so much crap but he never once said anything like Abe's comments on radiation defence." Mr Ishihara went on to complain how Abe and his cronies are nicking his rightwing spotlight and had forced him to seek political alliances with buffoons like that "utter fuckwit Hashimoto".
In reality, Mr Ishihara has never recovered from his criticism of the manga and anime industries, and his attempts to ban child porn and paedophiliac comics in Tokyo. Even after toning down his rhetoric and compromising his stance by allowing adults (voters) to buy the perverse filth, and only banning minors, he began to be viewed with suspicion. His patriotism and Japaneseness was brought into question and there was even a rumour that his mother was a Korean comfort woman, though Toru Hashimoto later said that had been necessary to boost his own morale.
Back at the Fukushima nuclear plant, everyone is wearing surgical masks. I asked an official looking bloke, who gave his name as Minami Takahashi, whether surgical masks are adequate protection from nuclear radiation and he said: "We Japanese have special blood. Centuries of foreigners have contaminated our blood but we have maintained one nation, one Japan, we are one people." I asked him if TEPCO employed anyone from Hokkaido or Okinawa and he said he'd never heard of any foreigners working for TEPCO except in the really dangerous jobs.
I posed the same question about surgical masks to a real scientist and he said: "The HEPA micro-mesh is extremely effective at disguising the truth and protects bystanders from the horrendous smell of bullshit that emanates from the mouths of Japanese politicians and nuclear industry officials."
The crippled nuclear power plant in Fukushima, Japan has been spewing out lethal radiation since the region was hit by a massive earthquake and Tsunami in March 2011. Plant operator TEPCO has announced an emergency and is clueless as to what to do. While TEPCO management hide in 24-hour Karaoke boxes, singing poor-quality pop songs and watch vaguely paedophiliac videos of talentless scantily-clad schoolgirls with prosthetic canine teeth. One TEPCO insider, who can't be named for stupid reasons, said "The problem with Fukushima Daiichi was Heavy Rotation." He went on to say "If only they'd listened to AKB48, then none of this would have happened."
Another TEPCO insider who was more than willing to be named as Yuka Oshima said "Staff moral has been given a real boost since management started allowing us to wear schoolgirl uniforms to the office." I asked him what the OLs wore and he said he'd never heard of women working at TEPCO because the work was far too dangerous, even in an office in the middle of Tokyo, hundreds of kilometres from the nuclear plant.
TEPCO has been mildly criticised for its incompetent mishandling of the crisis by Japanese media, though not too much for fear of seeming unpatriotic. Suggestions of contaminated food, especially fish, have been viewed with deep suspicion and thought to be anti-Japanese propaganda originating in China and Korea, and any other victims of Japanese colonialism that have never received an adequate apology. As one rightwing newspaper put it: "If they don't want to eat our contaminated fish, that's great, there's more for us!"
The Japanese government has been equally critical in its mild-mannered bollocking which suggests it is merely paying lip service to the outside world, which doesn't really matter anyway because they're not Japanese. Prime Minister Abe called on TEPCO to fix the situation, well at least while the foreign media was watching, after they'd gone he praised TEPCO for its hard work in protecting the Japanese archipelago with a defensive layer of radiation like in that weird manga he read as a kid, and most of his cabinet members still read during parliamentary debates.
At a political stunt in Fukushima where Mr Abe appeared to eat local produce, the big question was did he spit or swallow? After stuffing one of his faces with a mouthful of local nosh, much to the amusement of local farmers who are desperately trying to offload it onto cheap catering companies that supply kindergartens and elementary schools, Mr Abe appeared to turn around and cough into a Hello Kitty Fukushima souvenir mini-towel. However, one source said the food in question had actually been substituted with safer food from down south, so there was never any risk to our beloved Abe, hero of the Land of the Rising Sun.
Tokyo governor, Shintaro Ishihara, who is an ardent pro-nuclear advocate, said he praised Mr Abe's new defence policy of irradiating Japan to deter its enemies and was disappointed that his Japan Restoration Party hadn't thought of it, saying: "That fuckwit Hashimoto came out with so much crap but he never once said anything like Abe's comments on radiation defence." Mr Ishihara went on to complain how Abe and his cronies are nicking his rightwing spotlight and had forced him to seek political alliances with buffoons like that "utter fuckwit Hashimoto".
In reality, Mr Ishihara has never recovered from his criticism of the manga and anime industries, and his attempts to ban child porn and paedophiliac comics in Tokyo. Even after toning down his rhetoric and compromising his stance by allowing adults (voters) to buy the perverse filth, and only banning minors, he began to be viewed with suspicion. His patriotism and Japaneseness was brought into question and there was even a rumour that his mother was a Korean comfort woman, though Toru Hashimoto later said that had been necessary to boost his own morale.
Back at the Fukushima nuclear plant, everyone is wearing surgical masks. I asked an official looking bloke, who gave his name as Minami Takahashi, whether surgical masks are adequate protection from nuclear radiation and he said: "We Japanese have special blood. Centuries of foreigners have contaminated our blood but we have maintained one nation, one Japan, we are one people." I asked him if TEPCO employed anyone from Hokkaido or Okinawa and he said he'd never heard of any foreigners working for TEPCO except in the really dangerous jobs.
I posed the same question about surgical masks to a real scientist and he said: "The HEPA micro-mesh is extremely effective at disguising the truth and protects bystanders from the horrendous smell of bullshit that emanates from the mouths of Japanese politicians and nuclear industry officials."
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